Computer jokes

Error codes in Windows
# WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger
# WinErr 002: No Error - Yet
# WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
# WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
# WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused
# WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
# WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
# WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
# WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what happened
# WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
# WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
# WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More!
# WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside
# WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside
# WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
# WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
# WinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outside
# WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside
# WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ?
# WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
# WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System destroyed. Buy new one.
# WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
# WinErr 01A: OS overwritten - Please reinstall all software.
# WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will suffer a penalty for that.
# WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
# WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
# WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
# WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
# WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
# WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
# WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
# WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
# WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
# WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
# WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available.
# WinErr 912: Purchase a new copy of Windows today. Old license void. Windows has been deleted.

---

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem:
________________________________
________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
________________________________
________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
________________________________
________________________________

4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor __
B. Minor __
C. Minor __
D. Trivial __

5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up __
B. Frozen __
C. Hung __
D. Strange Smell __

6. Is your computer plugged in?
Yes __
No __

7. Is it turned on?
Yes __
No __

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself?
Yes __
No __

9. Have you made it worse?
Yes __

10. Have you had a friend who knows all about computers. Try to fix it for you?

Yes __ No __

11. Did they make it even worse?

Yes __

12. Have you read the manual?

Yes __ No __

13. Are you sure you've read the manual?

Maybe __ No __

14. Are you absolutely you've read the manual?

No __

15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it?

Yes __ No __

16. If Yes, then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself.

________________________________
________________________________

17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?

________________________________
________________________________

l8. If you answered nothing, then explain why you were logged in?
________________________________
________________________________

l9. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem?

Yes __ No __

20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00?

Yes __ What's a VCR? __

21. Do you have a copy of PCs for Dummies?

Yes __ No __

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem?

Yes __ No __

23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work?

Yes __ No __

24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on?

Yes __ No __

25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top?

Yes __ No __

26. Is the machine on fire?

Yes __ Not Yet __

27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me?

Yes __

---

CUSTOMER SUPPORT LOGS

Actual dialog of a former Customer Support employee:

Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Support: "What sort of trouble?"

Customer: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.",

Support: "Went away?"

Customer:"They disappeared."

Support: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

Customer: "Nothing."

Support: "Nothing?"

Customer: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Support: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

Customer: "How do I tell?"

Support: "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

Customer: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Support: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

Customer: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Support: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

Customer: "What's a monitor?"

Support: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

Customer: "I don't know."

Support: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

Customer: ......"Yes, I think so."

Support: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

Customer: ......"Yes, it is."

Support: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

Customer: "No."

Support: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Customer: ......"Okay, here it is."

Support: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Customer: "I can't reach."

Support: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

Customer: "No."

Support: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

Customer:"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

Support: "Dark?

Customer: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Support: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Customer:"I can't."

Support: "No? Why not?"

Customer: "Because there's a power outage."

Support: "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

Customer: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Support: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Customer: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Support: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Customer: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

Support: "TELL THEM YOU'RE TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"