toh ngga ketemu obatnya

Surat Cinta Para Accounting

My Dear...

Aku akan meng-CREDIT sayangku padamu, bila kamu men-DEBIT untukku cintamu. Aku akan mencatat asmara kita dalam sebuah JOURNAL, dan mem-POST-ingnya ke dalam NERACA hatiku.

Aku akan menjaga sebuah ACCOUNT cintamu, berdasarkan DOUBLE-ENTRY. Dengan cara ini kamu akan tahu BALANCE credit atau debit, dan AMOUNT dari cintaku padamu.

Kemesraan kita tercatat dalam WORKSHEET.

Kadang perlu kita lakukan ADJUSTING ENTRIES untuk menjaga cinta kita tetap kokoh.

TRIAL BALANCE memperlihatkan bahwa kita serius satu sama lain, sebab Total dari cinta kita ternyata satu dan sama. Maka kita lakukan CLOSING ENTRIES saat kita setuju untuk menikah.

PROFIT & LOSS statement, menyatakan apa yang telah terjadi kemudian, mari bersama-2 kita lihat BALANCE SHEET kita, apa saja ASSETS & LIABILITIES kita???????

Ya ampun...sudah selusin anak rupanya...Habis lupa di AUDIT sih...

Best Regard,

Berikut ini daftar film-film unggulan Hollywood "The Batavia
version":

1 Musuh di pager- pager (Enemy at the gates)
2 Orang Kalong selamanya (Batman Forever)
3 Inget si Titan (Remember the Titans)
4 Kerjaan Orang Italia (the italian job)
5 Kagak Ada Matinye (Die Hard)
6 Bocah nakal (Bad Boys)
7 Gak bisa tidur di Seattle (Sleepless in Seattle)
8 Nyasar di Ruang Angkasa (Lost in Space)
9 Mantan Pria (X-Men)
10 Lebih Murah Beli Selusin (Cheaper by Dozen)
11 Kulkas (The Cooler)
12 Gajian yoooo (Paycheck)
13 Tujuh Belasan (Independence Day)
14 Besok Lusa (The Day After Tomorrow)
15 Mati Entar Aje (Die Another Day)
16 Ada Ape ama Si Marryy (There is Something About Marry)
17 Kambing aje Diem (Silence of the Lamb)
18 Semua Kuda Kece (All The Pretty Horses)- yaiikksss
19 Planetnya Elo2 Pade (Planet of the Apes)
20 Minggat Semenit (Gone in Sixty Second)
21 Dosa Asli (Original Sin)
22 Mama Kembalilah, Kembalilah (Mummy Returns)
23 Sum Takut ama Semua (The Sum All Fears)
24 Tangisan Sun (Tears of The Sun) - pembokat berjaya euy
25 Laris Manis (The Abyss)
26 Kucing Ngopi (Copycat)
27 Roti Nyemplung di Laut (Seabiscuit)
28 Musuhan (Freddy vs Jason)
29 Calo terminal (terminator)
30 Awas banjir (Air Bud)
31. Permen Karet Hutan (Forrest Gump)
32. Pabrik Elo-elo Pade... (Monster, Inc.)
33. Liga Cowok-cowok nyang Kagak Normal (League of Extraordinary
Gentlemen)
34. Cuman Semenit Doang Di New York (New York Minute)
35. Mertua Gue Ka ye Gorile (Monster In-Law)
36. Gue Robot, Cing! (I, Robot)
37. Ayam-ayam Bule (White Chicks)
38. Cewek Kucing (Catwoman)
39. Ade Cewek Nongkrong di Pintu (The Girl Next Door)
40. Gue Kagak Mau Mati Sendirian (Never Die Alone)
41. Terminal Cililitan (The Terminal)
42. Mampus Gue! (Out of Time)
43. Cowok Berapi-api (Man on Fire)
44. Tiap Hari Latihan Mulu (Training Day)
45. Penampakan (Sixth Sense)
45. Gentayangan (Haunted Mansion)
46. Dalem Amat... (Deep Imapct)
47. Ja m-jaman (The Hours)
48. Bunuh Gue Pelan-pelan... (Killing Me Softly)
49. Temen Baek Gue Merit, Gue Tetep Aja Ngejomblo (My Best
Friend's
Wedding)
50. Si Bombom Merit (My Big Fat Greek Wedding)
51. Turun nyokk (U Turn)
52. Ngga Kena, Weq!!!(Catch Me If U Can)
53. Kaburnya Sang Penganten (Runaway Bride)
54. Rumah Sendiri (Home Alone)
55. Proposal Jorok (Indecent Proposal)
56. Cewek Ngetop (Women On The Top)
57. Dagang Cendol di Tibet (Seven Years in Tibet)

AWAS VIRUS INFLUENZA TERBARU!
Telah ditemukan virus-virus flu (bukan virus komputer lho!) baru
oleh para ilmuwan 'BARAT'; katanya lebih fatal dari flu biasa dan
diduga hasil mutasi virus influenza biasa (common flu). Jadi kalau
Anda merasa flu-batuk-pilek lebih baik segera cek ke dokter.
Daftar flu-flu baru yang perlu diwaspadai beserta asal dan gejalanya
seperti di bawah ini:

1. Flu Burung
Asal : ya dari burung.....
Gejala : ingus meler, pala pusing
8 keliling,timbul keinginan
untuk makan serangga & bersiul..

2. Flu Hongkong
Asal : yaa dari Hongkong...gimana
sih...
Gejala : ingus meler, mata jadi sipit,
kelakuan kaya' drunken master
3. Flu Bola (Soccer Flu)
Asal : Eropa dan Amerika Latin
Gejala : katanya sih bikin orang nggak tidur
4. Flu Sapi Gila (Mad Cow Flu)
Asal : Eropa
Gejala : kayak rabies, pengennya sarapan
rumput
5. Vlu Dimir Rasputin
Asal : Rusia
Gejala : bersin-bersin, bersin-bersin
6. Flumenco De La Passione
Asal : Spanyol, Mexico
Gejala : suka telenovela, birahi meningkat
7. Fluirting-around
Asal : lawan jenis
Gejala : horny
8. Apa Flu Liat-liat!?
Asal : sendiri
Gejala : BT (Buthuh Tathitayank)
9. Fluktuasi
Asal : nggak jelas, bisa dari atas, bisa
dari bawah
Gejala : naik turun
10. Flu Aja Kok Repot!
Asal : Gus Dur
Gejala : ingus meler, mata turun, asbun,
ngomong ngelantur,angin-angin
an, budeg, jalan nubruk, sering
ketiduran,suka ngigo, percaya
tahayul,perut kembung,stress,
dyslexia, halusinasi.

Ayo ngaku kena penyakit flu yang mana sih?
Jujur aja, gak usah ditutup-tutupin, atau lagi
flurang kerjaan ya? ....................

A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to China on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Chinese replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

sebenarnya gak kepengen posting topik dibawah...tapi setelah dipikir2 lucu juga sih...sayang kalo gak diposting...pertama baca sebel juga tapi setelah dipikir ada benarnya juga

Wanita Emang Susah...

Wanita emang susah…jika dikatakan cantik maka dikira menggoda...jika dibilang jelek maka disangka menghina…jika dikatakan ia perhiasan terindah didunia ia bangga, jika apapun "perhiasan yg berharga" itu layak ditutupi dan disembunyikan ia setuju…(supaya terjaga) tapi bila disuruh menutup "perhiasannya/kecantikannya" maka dia enggan...dan bila dilecehkan ia menyalahkan sepenuhnya pria...!

Wanita adalah wanita...jika dikatakan siapa yang paling dibanggakan olehnya, kebanyakan bilang "ibunya", tapi kenapa ya...lebih bangga jadi wanita karier...(padahal ibunya "ibu rumah tangga")

Wanita...bila diluruskan supaya bener memerah mukanya (marah, sambil bilang "sok bener lo!") bila diingetin tetep memerah mukanya (marah juga rupanya, sambil bilang "sok tau lo!") bila dimanja dan disanjung...?? eh, tetep memerah mukanya (kali ini tersipu malu, sambil bilang "ah, masa?")

Wanita adalah wanita...inginnya dibilang emansipasi...tapi kegerahan dibilang "macho", maunya disamakan dengan pria...tapi menolak benerin genteng rumah! (sambil bilang, "masa disamakan sama cowok!?")

Wanita...bila dibilang lemah dia protes...jika pacarnya tidak mau antar pulang dia bilang keterlaluan, maunya diperlakukan sama dengan pria...tapi kesel nggak dikasih tempat duduk di bis kota oleh pria di sampingnya (dan bilang "egois amat ni cowok?") bila dikatakan kuat itu maunya...tapi bila sedikit bersedih ia cepet menangis...

Tapi....wanita adalah wanita...dan wanita bukan perempuan atau cewek semata...tapi bagaimanapun juga aku suka wanita! (swear...) "Man's said"

gue br pikir yin suka wanita......

heni_w menulis:
Berikut ini daftar film-film unggulan Hollywood "The Batavia
version":

1 Musuh di pager- pager (Enemy at the gates)
2 Orang Kalong selamanya (Batman Forever)
3 Inget si Titan (Remember the Titans)
4 Kerjaan Orang Italia (the italian job)
5 Kagak Ada Matinye (Die Hard)
6 Bocah nakal (Bad Boys)
7 Gak bisa tidur di Seattle (Sleepless in Seattle)
8 Nyasar di Ruang Angkasa (Lost in Space)
9 Mantan Pria (X-Men)
10 Lebih Murah Beli Selusin (Cheaper by Dozen)
11 Kulkas (The Cooler)
12 Gajian yoooo (Paycheck)
13 Tujuh Belasan (Independence Day)
14 Besok Lusa (The Day After Tomorrow)
15 Mati Entar Aje (Die Another Day)
16 Ada Ape ama Si Marryy (There is Something About Marry)
17 Kambing aje Diem (Silence of the Lamb)
18 Semua Kuda Kece (All The Pretty Horses)- yaiikksss
19 Planetnya Elo2 Pade (Planet of the Apes)
20 Minggat Semenit (Gone in Sixty Second)
21 Dosa Asli (Original Sin)
22 Mama Kembalilah, Kembalilah (Mummy Returns)
23 Sum Takut ama Semua (The Sum All Fears)
24 Tangisan Sun (Tears of The Sun) - pembokat berjaya euy
25 Laris Manis (The Abyss)
26 Kucing Ngopi (Copycat)
27 Roti Nyemplung di Laut (Seabiscuit)
28 Musuhan (Freddy vs Jason)
29 Calo terminal (terminator)
30 Awas banjir (Air Bud)
31. Permen Karet Hutan (Forrest Gump)
32. Pabrik Elo-elo Pade... (Monster, Inc.)
33. Liga Cowok-cowok nyang Kagak Normal (League of Extraordinary
Gentlemen)
34. Cuman Semenit Doang Di New York (New York Minute)
35. Mertua Gue Ka ye Gorile (Monster In-Law)
36. Gue Robot, Cing! (I, Robot)
37. Ayam-ayam Bule (White Chicks)
38. Cewek Kucing (Catwoman)
39. Ade Cewek Nongkrong di Pintu (The Girl Next Door)
40. Gue Kagak Mau Mati Sendirian (Never Die Alone)
41. Terminal Cililitan (The Terminal)
42. Mampus Gue! (Out of Time)
43. Cowok Berapi-api (Man on Fire)
44. Tiap Hari Latihan Mulu (Training Day)
45. Penampakan (Sixth Sense)
45. Gentayangan (Haunted Mansion)
46. Dalem Amat... (Deep Imapct)
47. Ja m-jaman (The Hours)
48. Bunuh Gue Pelan-pelan... (Killing Me Softly)
49. Temen Baek Gue Merit, Gue Tetep Aja Ngejomblo (My Best
Friend's
Wedding)
50. Si Bombom Merit (My Big Fat Greek Wedding)
51. Turun nyokk (U Turn)
52. Ngga Kena, Weq!!!(Catch Me If U Can)
53. Kaburnya Sang Penganten (Runaway Bride)
54. Rumah Sendiri (Home Alone)
55. Proposal Jorok (Indecent Proposal)
56. Cewek Ngetop (Women On The Top)
57. Dagang Cendol di Tibet (Seven Years in Tibet)

Floo.. menulis:
gue br pikir yin suka wanita......

The Complete List

You might be Indonesian if:
 You carry handphone even to no service area.
 You manage to buy expensive stuff over your salary capability.
 You think bribery as a ‘tip in advance’.
 You think road as place to park.
 You fly Garuda just to know the stewardess.
 You send you kids to US just to go to school.
 You go to park and drink ‘teh botol’ instead of Budweiser.
 You travel to LA - Jakarta more than 3 times a year.
 You mix soccer and boxing at the same time.
 You have more credit cards that what your wallet can handle.
 You have a car with 20’ wheel.
 You work for government to get rich quick.
 Your friend in the US call you ‘the Indonesian connection’.
 You stomach growls when you don’t eat rice for a day.
 You believe kecap ABC can turn a bad cooking to gourmet food.
 You talk during the movie.
 You use a bucket instead of toilet paper in the bathroom.
 You eat fried rice in the morning.
 You prefer Versace or Moschino jeans over Gap or Levi’s
 You don’t think Jim Carrey is funny.
 You carry a 16 oz/jar of sambal to where ever you travel.
 Driving a car that is cheaper than $15,000 will embarrasses you.
 You think dangdut is stupid but listen to it anyway.
 You are willing to travel 25miles to buy tahu and tempe.
 You are a very good at avoiding potholes and other road hazards.
 Your local McDonalds serve rice and sambal.
 You think Supermie is a staple food.
 You have ever tried passing a Rp. 50 coin as a quarter in a US vending machine/payphone.
 You do your shopping in Singapore.
 You have ever legally bought pirated software.
 You have ever been forced to memorise UUD’45.
 You have bought something from a barefooted street peddler.
 You realised that money is everything before you were six.
 The first thing that comes to mind when hearing the word “Jakarta” is “macet”.
 Someone you know has ever ridden on top of a train.
 Your daily commute includes thinking up new ways to ride the city bus for free.
 You don’t mind people being late.
 You think standing in line is a waste of time.
 You have tried every Monday of your youth trying to avoid upacara bendera.
 You use the terms “Ni yee”, “Cai-lah”, and “Ih, ji-jay” on daily basis.
 You complain that movies in America don’t have sub-titles.
 Your daily conversation may include enactments of TV commercials.
 Your whole class has ever cheated on a test, and gotten away with it.
 You have ever spent the night before an exam looking for someone who sells the questions.
 You like the smell of terasi.
 You think the Thomas Cup is equal to the Super Bowl.
 You can name a manufacturer of shuttlecock/ badminton birdles.
 You have a 16’ satellites dish hidden in your backyard.
 You have ever ridden in a motor vehicle with three wheels.
 You miss your maid during laundry day.
 Your clothing brandnames printed on it that is visible from 50 yards.
 You attend weddings only until you are done eating.
 You have attended weddings that you are not invited to.
 You go to McDonalds to get your weekly supply of ketchup, salt, pepper and napkins.
 You have a can of Baygon on your kitchen table.
 You make major decision based on gengsi.
 You take advantage of Wal-Mart’s 30 days money-back-guarantee to “borrow” home appliances.
 Someone in your family has extra pockets in his outfit to hide cookies from the all-you-can-eat bar.
 You have paid more than $1000 to get your name on you license plate.
 When watching TV you regularly find that all the channels broadcast the same thing.
 You know more than 10 acronyms / abbreviations.

So, if you are one of the above list, you must be an original Indonesian!!!!

Kepribadian orang ditilik dari kebiasaan dengan kentut :

1. Orang Tidak jujur: Orang yang kalau kentut lalu menyalahkan orang lain.

2. Orang Bego: Orang yang menahan kentutnya sampai berjam-jam.

3. Orang Berwawasan Luas: Orang yang tahu kapan harus kentut.

4. Orang Sengsara: Orang yang ingin kentut tapi tak mampu.

5. Orang Misterius: Orang yang kalau kentut, tak seorangpun mengetahuinya.

6. Orang Gugup: Orang yang tiba-tiba menahan kentutnya saat lagi kentut.

7. Orang yang Percaya Diri: Orang yang selalu mengira kalau kentutnya berbau harum.

8. Orang Sadis: Orang yang kalau kentut di ranjang terus dikibaskan spreinya ke ranjang orang lain.

9. Orang Pemalu: Orang yang kalau kentut tidak bunyi tapi lalu merasa malu sendiri.

10 Orang yang Strategis: Orang yang menyembunyikan kentutnya dengan tertawa terbahak-bahak biar orang lain tidak dengar.

11. Orang Bodoh: Orang yang kalau habis kentut menghirup nafas untuk mengganti kentutnya yang keluar.

12. Orang Pelit: Orang yang kalau kentut di keluarkan dikit-dikit, sampai bunyi"tit-tit-tit…….."

13. Orang Sombong: Orang yang sering mencium kentutnya sendiri

14. Orang Ramah: Orang yang senang mencium kentutnya orang lain.

15. Orang yang Tidak Senang Bergaul: Orang yang kalau kentut sembunyi.

16. Orang Akuatik: Orang kalau kentut di dalam air sampai bunyi "blekuthuk-blekuthuk"

17. Orang Atletis: Orang kalau kentut sambil mengeluarkan tenaga dalam.

18. Orang Jujur: Orang yang mengaku kalau habis kentut.

19. Orang Pinter: Orang yang bisa menandai bau kentutnya orang lain.

20. Orang Sial: Orang yang kalau kentut keikutan ampasnya.

Ngga tahu udah pernah dapat atau belum, anyway..

There was a man who worked and worked and saved all his money. Never
spending any of it, just saving it. He loved money. He was a miser
and he worshipped his cash.

For years he kept telling his wife, "when I die, I want you to put
my money in the casket with me; I want to have it for the afterlife."
The years passed and he kept idolizing his money and telling his wife to
put the money in the casket with him. He even got a bible out and made
his wife swear on the bible that she would put the money in his casket
with him. "Do you promise to put my money in the casket with me when I
die?... do you PROMISE?"

"Yes", the wife replied, "I promise to put all your money in your casket
with you."

One day the man died and at the funeral the wife sat holding a gift
wrapped box. She was sitting with her closest friend and quietly crying.

Just as the funeral director got ready to close the casket the wife
jumped up and said, "WAIT, I have something to put in the casket with
him."

Then she gently placed the box in the casket.

When she returned to her seat her friend asked, "what did you put in the
casket?"

The wife answered, "he made me promise that I would put all his money in
the casket with him when he died, so that he could have it in the
afterlife."

The friend was astonished and said, "I KNOW you didn't do that!"

The wife looked at her friend and said, "Well, you know I'm a religious
woman and I could not lie to him... so I did as I promised."

Her friend said, "Girl, you are crazy! I can't believe you put all
the money in the casket with him!!"

The wife quietly dabbed the tears from her eyes and said.... "I'm
religious but not a damn fool...... I wrote him a check!!!"

****
(below is not meant to discriminate, just enjoy the joke)

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room,
there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and
tells the truth, one is granted a wish.
However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by
the mirror, never to be seen again.

A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands
before the mirror and says, "I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the
world."
*POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think
I think I’m the sexiest woman alive!"
*POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror
and says, "I think..." *POOF*

****

Constipated

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm
constipated."

The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the
table."

The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on
the ass with a baseball bat, CRACK... and then sends him into the
bathroom.

He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What
should I do to prevent constipation ?"

The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."

****

Wobbly

My Doctor recently had a patient drop in on him for an unscheduled
appointment. What can I do for you today, the Doctor asked?

The aged Gentleman replied: Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make
love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly
catch my breath....Doctor I’m scared !!!

The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said : Mr. Smith, these
sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your
advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?

His response was: Well... three times last night, and twice again this
morning!

Subject: Lubang
Sakri dan Nasip berjalan pergi memancing. Di tengah jalan, mereka melihat lubang yang sangat besar. " Mari kita tes dalamnya lubang ini" Kata Nasip, sambil mengambil batu kali dan melemparkan ke dalamnya. Lama...nggak kedengaran suaranya sama sekali. "Wuih...dalam sekali!" Kata Nasip. "Batunya kurang besar kali, coba pakai kelapa ini" Kata Sukri. Seperti yang pertama tadi, lama...nggak kedengaran suaranya. "Wuih...dalam sekali!" Kata Sukri. "Mari kita cari benda yang lebih besar lagi". Setelah lama mencari, mereka akhirnya menemukan beton bekas bantalan kereta api. Berhubung berat, beton tadi mereka gotong berdua dan terus dimasukkan ke dalam lubang. Tapi sama seperti tadi, lama nggak kedengaran suaranya... " Wah...berarti sangat dalam sekali lubang ini" Pikirnya mereka berdua.
Tiba-tiba dari arah semak-semak, ada kambing yang berlari menuju mereka dan akan menubruk mereka. Untung saja mereka
bisa menghindar, tapi malang bagi si kambing yang masuk kedalam lubang tersebut. Mereka kaget bukan kepalang. Belum hilang rasa kagetnya, tiba-tiba muncul Wak Badri sambil bawa arit dihadapan mereka dan bertanya: "Hei Rek, kalian lihat tidak yang mencuri kambingku? aku mau bacok dia!!". "Wah..kami nggak tahu Wak Dri, cuman saja barusan ada kambing yang masuk lubang ini" Kata Nasip." Ooo itu tidak mungkin kambingku, soalnya kambingku tadi aku ikat di beton bantalan kereta api!".

_____________________________________________________________________
Subject: Jin Botol
Setelah kecapaian cari barang bekas, Kayat istirahat berteduh dibawah pohon asem. Matanya ngantuk, kakinya pegal dan
perutnya lapar. Hampir saja dia tertidur, ketika tiba-tiba kakinya tertimpa sebuah botol yang jatuh dari keranjang barang bekasnya. Ketika botol tersebut dibuka, tiba-tiba keluar asap dari dalamnya. Kayat melompat sangat kaget.
"Hua...ha..ha...ha..., namaku Jin Botol, tiga permintaan sampeyan bakal aku turuti" Kata Jin Botol. "Jangan bohong ya, soalnya dulu aku pernah dibohongi jin, katanya nomer yang aku pasang bakalan keluar, eh..nggak tahunya kaspo, gara-gara itu aku jadi melarat kayak begini!" Kata Kayat nggak percaya. "Ooo barangkali waktu itu sampeyan ketemu jin pembohong, sudahlah kalau sampeyan nggak mau aku mau ngilang lagi loh". Kata Jin Botol.

"Ya sudah kalau gitu, sekarang aku minta uang satu karung, lima-puluh-ribuan semua". "Sampeyan merem sebentar!". Ting...tahu-tahu didepan Kayat sudah ada uang sekarung. "Wah...hebat sampeyan Jin" kata Kayat. "Nah..kan sekarang baru tahu, sekarang apa permintaan sampeyan yang kedua?". Kayat minta rumah mewah lengkap dengan segala perabotannya yang juga dipenuhi sama Jin Botol. "Mau minta apa lagi? ingat loh ini yang terakhir!, pikirkan masak-masak jangan sampai sampeyan nyesel" Kata Jin Botol. Kayat memejamkan matanya, sambil memikirkan apa yang dia ingin mintakan. Akhirnya Kayat dengan tersenyum mengajukan permintaannya yang ketiga, "Aku ingin kulitku sekarang menjadi putih mulus, sedang telanjang dan dikerubuti perempuan banyak".

Tak lama setelah itu, Kayat mendengar banyak suara perempuan dan merasakan badannya dipegang-pegang oleh mereka. Tapi kok ada bau ikan asin disini, pikir Kayat curiga. Akhirnya Kayat kaget bukan kepalang setelah sadar dia ada di tengah pasar, ternyata Kayat sudah berubah jadi TAHU...!!!!

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Subject: Dasar pembual! (Humor suroboyoan)

Cak Sujak pamitan sama isterinya pergi membeli rokok. Setelah pulang dari warung, ditengah jalan Cak Sujak ketemu bekas pacarnya dulu. Akhirnya mereka pacaran ngobrol ngalor-ngidul dan tanpa terasa sudah jam 12 malam. "Wah keblabasan ini, bisa mencak-mencak isteriku nanti. Aku minta bedak pupurmu sedikit" Kata Cak Sujak pada bekas pacarnya. Setelah itu Cak Sujak pulang ke rumah.

"Kemana saja sampeyan ini, beli rokoknya di Hongkong apa?", isterinya mulai ngambek. "Begini loh Dik, habis beli rokok aku aku ketemu cewek cantik, terus aku diajak pacaran, sampai lupa pulang" Kata Cak Sujak.

"Cak...Cak...modelmu itu mau pacaran segala, sini lihat tanganmu!!!" Kata isteri Cak Sujak. Ketika dilihat, tangan Cak Sujak putih semua. "Dasar pembual sampeyan itu, awas nanti kalau sampai ketahuan main karambol lagi ya..!!!".

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Subject: Penjual Bakso

Enak-enak lagi tidur tengah malam, tiba-tiba anaknya Cak Srondhol nangis kayak orang ketakutan. "Aku mimpin Mbah Kakung mati". Kata anaknya. "Sudah nggak usah nangis, tidur lagi. Itu cuman sekedar mimpi. Ternyata, esok harinya Cak Srondol dapat interlokal kalau bapaknya meninggal kena serangan jantung.

Seminggu kemudian, anaknya nangis lagi tengah malam, "Aku mimpi Mbah Putri meninggal" Kata anaknya, "Wis tah percoyo sama bapak, itu cuman mimpi, ayo tidur lagi" Kata Cak Srondol. Ternyata, esoknya ada interlokal lagi kalau ibunya Cak Srondol meninggal jatuh kepleset di kamar mandi.

Setelah acara tujuh hari ibunya, kembali anaknya menangis tengah malam' "aku mimpi bapakku mati". "Sudahlah koen ojo percoyo sama mimpi, wis tidur lagi yo" Kata Cak Srondol. Setelah anaknya tidur, giliran Cak Srondol yang nggak bisa tidur. Matanya kedap-kedip, wajahnya pucat, ketakutan sendiri.

Paginya giliran isteri Cak Srondol yang nangis keras-keras. "Ada apa kamu kok pagi-pagi sudah nangis gak karuan kayak ada orang yang meninggal saja?" Kata Cak Srondol. "Itu loh Cak.... penjual bakso langgananku mati....!!!!"

_____________________________________________________________________

Subject: Mencuci Kucing
Mbah Wonokairun mau beli Rinso di tokonya Wak Bunali. "Mbah, tumben sampeyan cuci-cuci sendiri!" tanya Wak Bunali. "Aku mau mencuci kucingku" Kata Mbah Wonokairun. "Apa nggak salah Mbah" Wak Bunali bingung. "Nggak, soalnya kucingku banyak kutunya" Jelas Mbah Wonokairun. "Wah ya bisa mati loh kucing sampeyan Mbah" Wak Bunali mengingatkan. "Loh tetanggaku kemarin juga gitu, ya ndak apa-apa" Mbah Wonokairun membantah.
Besoknya, Mbah wonokairun kembali ke toko Wak Bunali mau membeli rokok klobot. "Gimana kucing sampeyan Mbah?" tanya Wak Bunali. "Kucingku mati" Jawab Mbah Wonokairun. "Lha betul kan aku, sampeyan dikasih tahu kok gak percoyo, kenapa kucing kok dicuci pakai rinso, pakai obat kutu kan bisa", Kata Wak Bunali.

"Kucingku mati bukan karena rinso!" Mbah Wonokairun menjelaskan. "Lalu kenapa?" tanya Wak Bunali nggak sabaran. "Habis aku cuci, aku peres!!!"

_____________________________________________________________________

Subject: vaccum cleaner

Kapan hari itu ada salesman vaccum cleaner datang ke rumahku. Pembantuku belum sempat ngomong apa-apa, tanpa ba-bi-bu tahu-tahu salesman tadi nyebarkan tahi kambing yang bulet-bulet itu di karpet.
Katanya begini: "sudahlah pokoknya Bu, kalau sampai vaccum cleaner-ku ini tidak bisa nyedot semuanya, aku jamin bakalan kutelan semua tahi kambing ini".
Pembantuku sambil senyum berkata: " apa sampeyan pingin makannya pakai sambal?"
"Lho apa masalahnya?" tanya salesman tadi.
"Lha apa sampeyan tidak tahu kalau sekarang lampu mati....!!!".

_____________________________________________________________________
Subject: Rasa Straberry-kah?

Ketika acara perpisahan anak TK, setiap murid membawa kado buat ibu gurunya.

Yang pertama maju anak pedagang bunga. Bu guru mencium kadonya sambil menerka " isinya bunga ya...?". " Seratus buat bu guru...!" Kata murid TK anak pedagang bunga.

Yang kedua maju adalah anak pedagang toko kelontong. Sama bu guru kadonya dikocok-kocok. Wah ini agak susah menerkanya, pikir bu guru. "Isinya permen ya..?". " Wah bu guru pinter!" Kata anak pedagang toko kelontong tersebut.

Setelah itu, giliran anak pedagang es krim memberikan kadonya. Ketika kadonya diangkat, tiba-tiba ada sesuatu yang menetes. Wah! Es krimnya sudah meleleh nih, pikir bu guru. Kemudian cairan itu dijilatnya, sambil berkata: "Ini es krim rasa anggur ya?". " Salah bu guru" Kata murid anak pedagang es krim tadi. "Rasa straberry-kah?". "Juga salah...!". "Waduh bu guru nyerah, apa isinya ini?". Dengan polos, murid tadi menjawab "Anak anjing, bu guru!!!!"

Dorongin dong...

Ketukan pintu semakin keras dan si istrinya menyuruhnya membuka pintu.
Dengan setengah tidur, si suami membuka pintu dan melihat di depannya
seorang laki-laki berdiri sempoyongan dengan nafas bau alkohol. "Bantu
dorong dong" kata si pria dengan suara maboknya. "Gila kau, jam sepagi
ini. No way!" Kata lelaki pemilik rumah dengan kesal. "Orang lagi
enak-enak tidur". Lalu ia kembali ke kamar dan bercerita pada istri.

Namun si istri langsung memarahinya, "Kamu gimana sih, nggak mau bantu
orang dalam kesulitan. Ingat nggak waktu mobil kita mogok terus kamu
harus gedor-gedor pintu orang minta tolong dorongin mobil. Mana tengah
malam lagi! Ayo sana, bantu dia dorongin!" Sang suami bersikeras
menolak, "Biar saja, orangnya mabok begitu," tegasnya. Namun si istri
nggak berhenti-hentinya dengan ceramahnya sehingga sang suami akhirnya
beranjak dari tempat tidur, ganti baju dan membuka pintu depan.

"Heey!" teriaknya ke jalanan yang terlihat gelap dan sepi. "Masih perlu
bantuan dorong, nggak?" Dalam kegelapan ia mendengar jawaban,"Iya,
bantuin dong!" Sang suami teriak lagi, "Kamunya ada dimana?" Si mabok
menjawab, "Aku disini, di halaman, di atas ayunan!"

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.
The
husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband return after several hours of fishing and
decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to
take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and
continues
to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and
says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at
any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do t! hat, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.............

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's
likely she can also think.

Sepasang suami istri dalam perjalanan keluar kota dan karena jaraknya
lumayan jauh, mereka bermaksud menginap di sebuah hotel sebelum meneruskan
perjalanan keesokan paginya. Akhirnya mereka menemukan Hotel yang cukup
bagus walaupun tidak berbintang dan bermalam. Keesokan paginya ketika akan
keluar hotel, mereka harus membayar Rp 1.650.000,-
"Hah? Ini sih tarif hotel bintang. Nggak salah?" tanya si suami terkejut.
Ia minta dipanggilkan manajer hotel dan memprotes tarif yang terlalu
tinggi. Setelah mendengarkan dengan penuh perhatian, si manajer berkata,
"Hotel CJDW dilengkapi dengan kolam renang standar internasional, ruang
konferensi dan berbagai hiburan taraf internasional."
"Tapi kami sama sekali tidak memanfaatkan fasilitas yang Bapak sebut
tadi," kata si suami bersikeras.
"Salah Bapak sendiri. Fasilitas itu disediakan untuk dimanfaatkan," kata
si manajer tak mau kalah.
Setelah tercenung sejenak si suami membuka dompetnya, mengeluarkan uang Rp
100.000,- dan mengulurkannya kepada si manajer.
"Kok hanya seratus ribu?" tanya manajer.
"Karena Bapak harus membayar Rp 1.550.000.- untuk tidur dgn istri saya."
"Tapi saya tidak tidur dengan istri Bapak..."
"Salah sendiri. Sudah tersedia semalaman, kenapa tidak dimanfaatkan..."

Sie Perlengkapan
Pada suatu musim liburan ada sekelompok mahasiswa yang akan pergi
camping di kaki gunung. Dan kebetulan sekali penanggung jawab seksi
perlengkapan agak-agak gagap dalam berbicara.
Sebelum berangkat semua seksi diperiksa oleh pak Ketua rombongan,
"Seksi kesehatan siap ?"
"Siap pak semua sudah tersedia dan cukup untuk keperluan selama
camping !" jawab Sie Kesehatan.
"Seksi transportasi ?", tanya pak Ketua.
"OK boss, malahan kelebihan mobil nih !!" sahut sie transportasi.
Sampai pada akhirnya pada Seksi Perlengkapan,
"Kamu gimana perlengkapan dan tenda ?"
"Ss..ss.....sss s," sahut si gagap terbata-bata dan belum selesai
ini dipotong oleh pak Ketua yang memang nggak sabaran,
"Ya udah kalo siap, kalo gitu kita berangkat...cabut !!"
Berangkatlah rombongan ini ke tempat camping. Sesampainya di
lokasi, "Ayo bongkar muatan dan siapkan kayu api unggun, makanan,
dan dirikan tenda!"
Di saat semua seksi sibuk mengerjakan tugas masing2, pak Ketua
mendapati si gagap masih tenang2 aja duduk ngliatin temennya pada
sibuk.
"Heh...mana tendanya ? Pasang dong !!"
"Kkk...ke..ketinggalan b..bbboss !!"
"Wah gimana sih kamu nih....jadi berabe kan nggak ada tenda, ya udah
balik lagi ke Jakarta aja deh? !!"
"Ttt...tt...ta," belum lagi si gagap nerusin, udah dipotong lagi
sama
pak Ketua
"Udah deh keburu malem nih, cabuuuutt !!"
Sesampainya di Jakarta, "Mana tendanya buruan masukin ke mobil
terus cabut balik ke gunung !!"
"Tt..ttapi gg..gg "
"Apa lagi !!"
"Tt.tapi ....g..g.gue bb..bbbecanda kok !"

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work.
His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks
like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this
year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would
be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad.

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that
garden, that's where I Buried the BODIES.
Love,
Bubba

At 4 A.M. the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's
the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love
Bubba.

Hehe dari film apa hayoo