TRANSLATING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

? Yes = No
? No = Yes
? Maybe = No
? We need = I want
? I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
? We need to talk = I need to complain
? Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
? Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
? Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
? I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
? Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead
? You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
? You're so manly = You need a shave and you stink of beer and stale sweat!
? Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
? It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
? You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??
? I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
? How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're not really going to like

TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH:

? I'm hungry = I'm hungry
? I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
? I'm tired = I'm tired
? Nice dress = Nice tits!
? I love you = Let's have sex now
? I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
? What's wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
? I love you, too = Okay, I said it...can we have sex now?
? May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
? Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
? Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
? Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
? Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
? You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next ten minutes
? Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person
? and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
? I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay

****

A fabulously wealthy husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their
table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and
walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that was just my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it! I want a divorce!"
"I understand," replies her husband, "but remember our prenuptial
agreement... if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to
Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Bentley or Lexus in the garage, and
no more Country Club. But the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a
gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Ours is prettier," says the wife.

***

Two cannibals, a father & son are walking through the jungle when they come across
a beautiful young girl lying asleep on the ground, "let's take her home and eat her"
the son says to his father, "I've a better idea" the father replies, "let's take her
home and eat your mother!!".