Seorang karyawan menulis Surat kepada Boss-nya sebagai berikut :

Boss,

Hari ini terpaksa saya tidak dapat bekerja karena kecelakaan yang menimpa diri saya. Semalam saya terjatuh dari atap rumah dan langsung tak sadarkan diri.
Kata dokter yang merawat saya, saya terjatuh ke sebuah truk yang sedang diparkir di situ, truk itu bermuatan Coca Cola.
Sampai sekarang bagian pantat sampai ke perut saya masih sakit sekali; mungkin perlu beberapa minggu untuk menyembuhkannya.

Untuk jelasnya, bersama ini saya kirimkan foto X-Ray yang tadi pagi dilakukan di Rumah Sakit ini.

Doakan agar saya cepat sembuh.

Salam,
Kasihani

MY PLAN:.....TO.....ALWAYS.....GIVE ....100% AT WORK.....

12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Friday.......................................tgif........

It's like to be silly in numbers....
but it's true at some points...

Jika, nilai huruf-huruf ini kita anggap sbb:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Mari kita hitung sama-sama:

H A R D W O R K (kerja keras)
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98% Only

K N O W L E D G E (pengetahuan)
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% Only

L O B B Y I N G (pendekatan)
12 15 2 2 25 9 14 7 = 86% Only

L U C K (keberuntungan)
12 21 3 11 = 47% Only

ternyata... semua nilai dari usaha-usaha kita di atas nggak bisa
mengalahkan yang satu ini:

A T T I T U D E (sikap/tingkah laku)
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

tapi ini rumus yang berlaku di negeri bule sono.

Kalau di Indonesia sih, itung-itungannya begini:

G I G I H (hardwork)
7 9 7 9 8 = 40% Saja

I L M U (Knowledge)
9 12 13 21 = 55% Saja

L O B I (Lobbying)
12 15 2 9 = 38% Saja

M U J U R (Luck)
13 21 10 21 18 = 83% Saja

S I K A P (Attitude)
19 9 11 1 16 = 46% Saja

K O R U P S I
11 15 18 21 16 19 9 = 109%

????????

3 ORANG SAKIT JIWA

3 Orang sakit jiwa sedang bersama dokter yang akan mengetes ingatan mereka.
Dokter mengajukan pertanyaan sederhana kepada noel,
"Tiga kali tiga berapa?"
"176," jawabnya.
Dokter lalu berpaling kepada ervan,
"Berapakah tiga kali tiga?"
"Kamis," jawab Ervan.
Dokter pun kemudian bertanya kepada oko,
"Berapa tiga kali tiga?"
"Sembilan," jawabnya.
"Bagus sekali. Kok Anda bisa, bagaimana menghitungnya?" tanya dokter dengan
semangat.
"Gampang, Kamis dikurangi 176."

ANGKA-ANGKA

Bu Guru bertanya kepada murid-muridnya,
"Siapa yang bisa berhitung?"
Si Noel mengangkat tangan.
"Benar kamu bisa berhitung?"
"Bisa Bu. Ayah yang mengajari."
"Baik, coba kita lihat. Setelah tiga, berapa?"
"Empat."
"Bagus. Setelah enam?"
"Tujuh."
"Setelah sembilan?"
"Sepuluh," jawa! b si noel.
"Bagus sekali. Rupanya ayahmu benar-benar tahu bagaimana mengajar
berhitung. Lalu setelah sepuluh?"tanya Bu Guru lagi.
Dengan senyum penuh keyakinan, si noel menjawab,
"Jack."

DETEKTIF PEMBUNUHAN

Pak Inspektur datang dan menghampiri Detektif Ujo, anak buahnya.
"Bagaimana, apakah sudah tercium siapa pembunuhnya?" tanya inspektur.
Dengan gugup Detektif Ujo menjawab, "Su...sudah, Komandan.
Direktur itu dibunuh oleh peragawati cantik yang jadi simpanannya.
Tapi..sa...sa...saya belum berhasil menciumnya, habis deg-degan sih...."

CINCIN BERLIAN

Seorang laki-laki membelikan sebuah cincin berlian indah untuk hadiah ulang
tahun istrinya.
"Lho, bukannya istri lu mengidam-idamkan mobil Cherokee?" Tanya temannya.
"Betul," jawab si lelaki. "Tapi di mana gua mesti nyari Cherokee palsu?"

TANAH ABANG

Pemuda Jawa: "Maaf, saya orang baru di Jakarta, baru datang dari
Jawa....nggg....apakah ini Tanah Abang?"
Pemuda Batak: "Oh, bukan....ini bukan tanah aku, sumpah! Aku juga baru
datang dari Medan, jadi aku juga tak tahu ini tanah siapa..."

MERPATI

Dua orang pemuda berjalan kaki keliling perkebunan untuk menikmati segarnya
udara pagi.
"hei..lihat ada lima bangkai merpati disana" .. ujar temannya..
"mana ..mana??" ....teriak temannya sambil mendongakkan kepalanya
memandangi langit..

SINGA

Pemimpin sirkus :" hei...!! kenapa kamu lupa menutup kandang singa..
sehabis pertunjukan tadi malam ?"
Petugas kandang :" sebetulnya nggak perlu terlalu dipermasalahkan, siapa
sich yang berani mencuri singa...???"

KREM PEMBERSIH

Si Mutant dengan penuh rasa ingin tahu mengamati ibunya yang sedang
memoleskan krem pembersih ke wajahnya.
"Kenapa sih.....Ibu selalu mengoleskan itu di wajah?", tanya Mutant.
"Supaya Ibu cantik," jawab si ibu.
Tak berapa lama kemudian. ibu si Mutant mengambil kapas dan mengusap krem
yang menempel di wajahnya.
"Lho kok dihapus, bu?..... Putus asa ya....?" tanya Mutant.

BERLUTUT

"Edi, kasih gua minuman yang paling keras!" teriak Eko di sebuah bar.
"Gua barusan berantem lagi sama bini gua."
"Terus, kali ini gimana akhir ceritanya?" tanya Edi si bartender setengah
nggak berselera mendengarkan cerita Eko.
"Seusai berantem, bini gua mendatangi gua dan berlutut..." kata Eko sambil
nenggak minuman.
"Waahhh... tumben-tumbenan kejadiannya kayak gini.
Terus dia bilang apa?"
"Dia memaki-maki gua dan menyuruh gua keluar dari kolong tempat tidur!"

MABUK

Seorang hakim melihat ! dengan bengis kepada laki-laki yang dituduh
mengemudikan mobil dibawah pengaruh alkohol.
"Terakhir kalinya Anda disini, saya rasa saya sudah mengatakan tidak ingin
lagi melihat Anda ada disini !!!"
"Itu juga yang saya katakan kepada polisi lalu lintas, tapi tetap aja dia
menahan saya." kata pemabuk itu.

DITIPU ORANG GILA

Pada suatu hari, ada seorang dokter RSJ sedang jalan-jalan melihat ada
seorang pasien yang membawa sikat yang diikat dengan tali.
Dokter : Halo , Apa kabar anjingmu? Sedang kau bawa jalan-jalan ya?
Pasien : Dokter gimana sih , ini kan sikat yang diikat dengan tali?
Dokter : (di dalam hati)... "Oh..berarti ini pasien udah normal".
Begitu dokter pergi, Pasien : "Hihihihihi...Kita berhasil menipu si
dokter, Bleki !"

GILA

Ceritanya ada 3 orang gila. Mereka lagi di tes apakah mereka masih gila apa
sudah waras. K! emudian mereka disediakan kolam renang kosong.
Orang gila pertama, "Hiaaaat!! Braaak!!!".
Wah berarti masih gila ini orang.
Orang gila kedua, "Ciaat!! Braaaak!!".
Wah berarti ini orang juga masih gila.
Ketika orang gila ke tiga, dia cuma jongkok saja di pinggiran.
Wah berarti ini orang sudah waras.
Dia ditanya oleh dokternya, "Kok, kamu tidak lompat?".
Jawabnya, "Nggak ahh, airnya dingin......!!"

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of
his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes
out of the
other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and
comes out of
the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u
think,
Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one
else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again
yesterday".

2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the
moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but
the sun gives
us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking
when people
are
no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was
called
current affairs.

6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a
teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've
failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's
performance
repeated".

8) Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey
and stopped
him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers
before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine
out of ten
people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case
I've treated.
The others all died".

11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the
same day and at
the same time."

12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his
father's Cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

Sabar

Seorang lelaki bernama Anton yang pendek dan buruk rupanya suatu hari
duduk-duduk bersama istrinya yang sangat cantik bernama Dewi. Si Anton tak
berkedip memandang wajah Dewi yang cantik jelita. Agak tersipu-sipu, Dewi
pun berkata,"Kau ini kenapa sih, kok dari tadi memandangiku saja?" "Kulihat
wajahmu," jawab Anton, "setiap hari semakin cantik saja. Maka setiap kali
aku melihatmu, semakin bertambah syukurku." "Ya," kata Dewi, "dan kita
berdua nanti akan masuk surga." "Lho, darimana kau tahu?" "Bukankah hamba
yang bersyukur dan hamba yang bersabar akan masuk surga. Kau bersyukur
karena mendapat anugerah istri seperti aku. Sedang aku bersabar mendapat
cobaan berupa suami seperti engkau."

Hati2 dengan "Ojek Setan"

Hati2 bagi kaum wanita jika anda bermaksud naik ojek.......
Belum habis cerita tentang si Kolor Ijo skrg dah ada berita tentang Ojek setan.
Maka dari itu bagi temen2 yg suka naik ojek berhati-hatilah terutama
wanita (wanita lagi-wanita lagi yg kena sasaran)

Pengalaman ini terjadi pada seorang ibu yang baru pulang malam hari (kira2 jam 8 malem) dari rumah sodaranya di daerah tanah kusir. Ibu ini
menunggu angkot di jalan raya tanah kusir. Karena angkot penuh terus, ibu ini
memutuskan untuk naek ojek. Tiba2 tukang ojek udah ada di depan ibu, krn
udah malem dan mau hujan, naeklah ibu ini minta di anterkan ke rumahnya.
Ditengah perjalan, ibu ini merasa merinding tubuhnya mungkin karena dingin.
Setelah di depan rumahnya, ibu ini mengeluarkan uang 100 ribuan, tapi
tiba2 tukang ojek ini langsung mengambil uang tersebut dan kabur
...secepat
kilat ibu tersebut berteriak ............... :

"...........TUKANG OJEK SETAAAANNNNNNNNNNNN"

Tiga orang pria sedang duduk diruangan sauna, Seorang Amerika, Jepang dan saudara kita orang Indonesia.

Keheningan didalam ruangan sauna dipecahkan oleh bunyi,..
bip,...bip,....bip......Orang Amerika membuka telapak tangan kirinya, dan membaca tulisan yang tertulis ditelapak tangannya itu.

Dua rekan se "sauna"nya dengan kagum melihat tulisan yang muncul ditelapak tangan orang Amerika tsb.

Oh,....telapak tangan saya telah ditanamkan cips, saya dapat langsung menerima pesan SMS tanpa alat , tertulis ditelapak tangan saya,...ujar si Amerika.

Sesaat kemudian terdengar dering telepon, orang Jepang mengangkat tangan kanannya, jempol didekatkan ke telinga sedangkan jari kelingking kebibirnya,.......Oh,....maaf saya terima telepon dulu,...tangan saya sudah berisi cips,saya dapat menerima dan berbicara melalui 2 jari saya tanpa menggunakan HP....kata si Jepang. :read:

Melihat semua itu, sahabat kita dari Indonesia mulai gugup,.... Apa yang bisa saya tunjukkan untuk mengalahkan orang orang ini?...pikirnya. Karena stress, keinginnanya untuk buang air besar tidak tertahankan lagi.

Usai buang air, dia kembali lagi ke ruang sauna, tetapi karena tidak biasa membasuh bokongnya dengan kertas toilet, seuntai kertas toilet masih berjuntai dibelahan bokongnya.

Dengan keheranan dan jijik orang Jepang dan orang Amerika menunjuk ke untaian kertas "sisa" tsb dan berkata: Kertas apa itu yang tergantung dibokong anda...? Oh,....saya baru terima Fax,.....terima kasih..!

Buy 1 Get 1 Free.....!!!!

eh gambarnya lutju bgt ya

Last moment

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one
wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle,unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.

He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."

Seorang wanita bule menghabiskan hampir seluruh waktu liburannya dengan berjemur di atap hotel tempat dia menginap. Ia mengenakan pakaian renangnya pada hari pertama. Tapi pada hari kedua, ia menyimpulkan bahwa tak ada seorangpun yang melihatnya, maka iapun melepaskan seluruh pakaian renangnya.

Ia baru saja akan mulai berjemur, ketika didengarnya seseorang berlari menuju ke tempatnya berjemur. Saat itu ia sedang menelungkup, maka ia hanya menutupi bagian belakang tubuhnya saja dengan handuk.

"Maaf nona," kata asisten manager hotel itu dengan terengah engah karena menaiki tangga. "Hotel ini tidak berkeberatan anda berjemur di atap, tetapi kami lebih menghargai anda, bila anda mengenakan pakaian renang anda seperti kemarin."
"Lho, kenapa?" tanya wanita itu, "Kan tidak ada yang bisa melihat saya di atas sini, lagipula kan saya memakai handuk untuk menutupi sebagian tubuh saya?"
"Bukan begitu," kata sang asisten manager dengan malu malu, "Tapi anda tengkurap santai di atas atap ruang makan kami yang tembus pandang, sehingga restoran kami ramai penonton yang hanya ingin melihat, tanpa memesan makanan."

Ini merupakan percakapan antara dokter dengan seorang pasien yg terkena muntaber.
Dokter : Sakit apa ?....
Pasien : Anu dok......., mual-mual dan muntah-muntah...
Dokter : Buang air besarnya bagaimana...
Pasien : Seperti biasa Dok, jongkok... :rolf:

Ilmu Bela DiriDi sebuah bar seorang pemuda berbadan kecilsedang duduk santai.

Seorang preman lokal mendekatidan langsung menendangnya keras, "Ciaaaat!!" Pemudakecil jatuh tersungkur dari bangkunya.Ketika dia bangun, si preman berkata dengan sombong,"Itu tadi taekwondo dari Korea."

Karena takut, pemuda itu tak menanggapi. Dia lalu kembaliduduk ke bangkunya. Namun tidak lama kemudian, preman tadikembali mendekati dan membantingnya, "Gubrakkk!"Pemuda kecil itu terjerembab. Saat dia bangun, premanberkata lagi, "Itu tadi judo dari Jepang."

Pemuda kecil itu tetap tidak menanggapi.Perlahan-lahan dia kembali duduk.Tidak lama kemudian, si preman menonjoknya,"Buggg!" Pemuda kecil kembali jatuh, lalu si preman berkata,"Itu tadi boxing dari Amerika."

Pemuda kecil menyadari mulutnyamengeluarkan darah. Lalu dia bangun dan tidak kembali kebangkunya.Perlahan-lahan dia keluar dari bar.Tidak beberapa lama kemudian pemuda kecil itu masuk kebar dan menghampiri si preman. Tanpa berkata apa-apalagi dia langsung memukul si preman, "Bletokkkk!" :hit: Sipreman langsung jatuh pingsan.

Pemuda kecil inginmemberi penjelasan, tapi si preman tidak juga siuman.Pemuda kecil menghampiri pemilik bar dan berkata, " Pak,bila preman ini bangun tolong beritahu bahwa yang tadiitu adalah linggis dari gudang...... :win:

Jesus was getting more and more annoyed at the drugs problem on earth.
He called an emergency meeting with his apostles and after a few hours, they
all decided that they needed more information. So the apostles volunteered
to go on earth and to bring back samples of each drug. After a few days, the
apostles start coming back.

Knock knock..
"Who's there?"
"It's Paul."
Jesus opens the door
"What did you bring back, Paul?"
"Haschich from Morrocco."
"Excellent, come in."

Knock knock..
"Who's there?"
"It's Mark."
Jesus opens the door
"What did you bring back, Marc?"
"Marijuana from Columbia."
"Excellent, come in."

Knock knock..
"Who's there?"
"It's Matthew."
Jesus opens the door
"What did you bring back, Matthew?"
"Cocaine from Columbia."
"Excellent, come in."

Knock knock..
"Who's there?"
"It's John."
Jesus opens the door
"What did you bring back, John?"
"Ecstasy from Montreal."
"Excellent, come in."

Knock knock..
"Who's there?"
"It's Luke."
Jesus opens the door
"What did you bring back, Luke?"
"Speed from Amsterdam."
"Excellent, come in."

Knock knock..
"Who's there?"
"It's Judas."
Jesus opens the door
"What did you bring back, Judas?"
"FBI!!! EVERYONE UP AGAINST THE WALL!!!"

An old one.. but I always find it hillarious..

This taped conversation in the Oval Office has been leaked to the
Washington Post:

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader
of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the
Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we
should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East.
Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming a Real Man.

That's right, in just six mini-semesters, you, too, can be a real man as
well as earn a MA degree. (Male Arts)

Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR

Autumn Schedule:

MEN 101: Combating Stupidity
MEN 102: You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103: PMS-Learn To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104: We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule:

MEN 110: Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111: Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
MEN 112: Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100: Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101: Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A: What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:

MEN 120: How NOT to Act like a Butt Face when you're Wrong
MEN 121: Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122: YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123: Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C: What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR

Autumn Schedule:

SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102: Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103: How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201: How To Put the Toilet Seat Down

(See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:

MEN 210: The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211: How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212: You, Too, Can be a Designated Driver
MEN 213: Honest, You Don't Look Like Brad Pitt
MEN 230A: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important

Spring Schedule:

MEN 220: Omitting %&*!@ from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221: Fluffing the Blanket after Farting Is NOT Necessary
MEN 222: Real Men Ask For Directions
MEN 223: Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important II

Course Electives:

EAT 102: Cooking with Tofu
EAT 103: Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103: Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231: Mothers-In-Law
MEN 232: Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233: Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C: Cheaper to Keep Her

Just a thought for all the women out there.

MENtal Illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnocologist (poetic spelling)

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
Send this to all women you know (and men with a sense of humour)
and
brighten up their day!!.. and when we have real trouble, it's a
HISterectomy

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jgn ada yg tersinggung yah...ini kan hanya lucu-lucuan!

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young Son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage

1. Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she
expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.

2. There was this guy who told his woman that he loved
her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married - and now he is going thru hell.

3. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : "Wife
wanted ". Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the
same thing : "You can have mine."

4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

5. It's easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just
watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married.

6. A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The
letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000 I swear that we will kidnap your wife." The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours."

7. What's the matter, you look depressed." "I'm having
trouble with my wife." "What happened?" "She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days." "But that ought to make you happy." "It did, but today is the last day."

WOMAN
When she is 18 - She is a football, 22 men going after
her. When she is 28 - She is a hockey ball, 8 men going after her. When she is 38 - She is a golf ball, 1 man hitting on her. When she is 48 - She is a pingpong ball, 2 men pushing to each other.

MAN

At 20 - A man is like a coconut, so much to offer, so little to give.

At 30 - He is like a durian, dangerous but delicious.

At 40 - He is like a watermelon, big, round and juicy.

At 50 - He is like a mandarin orange, the season comes once in a year.

At 60 - He is just like a raisin, dried out, wrinkles and cheap.

Marriage Humour
In the beginning,
-- God created earth and rested. Then God created man
and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

God created man.
Then, God paused to scrutinize the new creation.
Then He said, "Hmmm... I could do better than that!!"
So He created woman.

a few more:

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly. "
The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?" The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his companion: " Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies: " A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the man says. His friend offers another suggestion: "The poppy?" "Nahhhh," growls the man.
"You know -the one that is red and has thorns." His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

----

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark."

And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark. "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.

The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.

"No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."

----

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down and he could see his wife through half-closed left eye.

---

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, sorry, you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have been sent down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue!"

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"