Girl : Do you love me ?
Boy : Yes Dear
Girl : Would you die for me ?
Boy : No, mine is undying love
--------------------------------------------------
1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.
--------------------------------------------------
Man : How old is your father ?
Boy : As old as me
Man : How can that be ?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born
--------------------------------------------------
Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
--------------------------------------------------
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son : That's why I say she's no good!
--------------------------------------------------
Manager : Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact, I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!
--------------------------------------------------
Dad : "Son, how can you call your aunt stupid? Go and say sorry to her."
Son goes over to the aunt) "Aunt, I am sorry you are stupid.
---------------------------------------------------
Teacher: "How do u think Shakespeare wrote such masterpieces?"
College student: "With a pencil, maam, either a 2B or not 2B."
---------------------------------------------------
"Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."
"That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when u told her u are the only child?"
"She just said, 'Thank goodness!'"
---------------------------------------------------
Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: "Singapore, Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
----------------------------------------------------
Teacher: "Chong, u missed school last Friday."
Chong : "You're wrong, Sir."
Teacher: "Wrong, how is that?"
Chong : "I was absent, yes but I certainly didn't miss it!"
----------------------------------------------------
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?"
Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan," said the teacher.
"'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal is a sick eagle."
---------------------------------------------------
Patient : I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor : You've had an accident involving a train.
Patient : What happened?
Doctor : Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient : Well... The bad news first ...
Doctor : Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient : That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
-----------------------------------------------------
Patient : How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist : 90.00.
Patient : 90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist : I can extract it very slowly if you like.
-----------------------------------------------------
Teacher : "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow : "No comb, Sir."
Teacher : "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow : "No hair, Sir."
----------------------------------------------------
A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' level"

I look at the stars, the stars r beautiful
Then I look at you......
I ......
I ......
I rather look at the stars again.

Look at the world as one big chocolate cake.
It would never be complete without few sweets n nuts.
Sweets like ME and nuts like YOU.
Good looking people r hard to find.
That's why u don't ......
That's why u don't see me often.

When u feel sad....
To cheer up just go to the mirror and say, "damn I am really sooo cute" u will overcome ur sadness.
But don't make this a habit.....
Coz liars go to hell !!!!

A SARDARJI is in the library , he bangs down a book and says :" too boring, too many characters and no story."
LIBRARIAN says : "oh! U r the one who took the
phone directory away?? "

Your brain will be refreshed in the next five
seconds.....
5......
4.......

3.......
2.......
1........
LOADING.....

ERROR: no brain detected.

For any SHE who needs it...

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life in your wildest dreams.

Surat cinta anak fisika

Archimedes dan Newton tak akan mengerti medan magnet yang berinduksi di antara kita. Einstein dan Edison tak sanggup merumuskan E = mc2. Ah tak sebanding dengan momen cintaku…

Pertama kali bayangmu jatuh tepat di fokus hatiku. Nyata, tegak, diperbesar dengan kekuatan lensa maksimum. Bagai tetes minyak milikan jatuh di ruang hampa. Cintaku lebih besar dari bilangan Avogadro...

Walau jarak kita bagai matahari dan Pluto saat aphelium. Amplitudo gelombang hatimu berinterfensi dengan hatiku. Seindah gerak harmonik sempurna tanpa gaya pemulih. Bagai kopel gaya dengan kecepatan angular yang tak terbatas…

Energi mekanik cintaku tak terbendung oleh friksi. Energi potensial cintaku tak terpengaruh oleh tetapan gaya. Energi kinetik cintaku = - mv~. Bahkan hukum kekekalan energi tak dapat menandingi hukum kekekalan di antara kita. Lihat hukum cinta kita…

Momen cintaku tegak lurus dengan momen cintamu. Menjadikan cinta kita sebagai titik ekuilibrium yang sempurna. Dengan inersia tak terhingga. Takkan tergoyahkan impuls atau momentum gaya. Inilah resultan momentum cinta kita…

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered."
"I think librarians are the easiest," said the second surgeon. "When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered."
The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangeable.

TRANSLATING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

? Yes = No
? No = Yes
? Maybe = No
? We need = I want
? I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
? We need to talk = I need to complain
? Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
? Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
? Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
? I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
? Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead
? You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
? You're so manly = You need a shave and you stink of beer and stale sweat!
? Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
? It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
? You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??
? I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
? How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're not really going to like

TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH:

? I'm hungry = I'm hungry
? I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
? I'm tired = I'm tired
? Nice dress = Nice tits!
? I love you = Let's have sex now
? I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
? What's wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
? I love you, too = Okay, I said it...can we have sex now?
? May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
? Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
? Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
? Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
? Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
? You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next ten minutes
? Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person
? and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
? I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay

****

A fabulously wealthy husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their
table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and
walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that was just my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it! I want a divorce!"
"I understand," replies her husband, "but remember our prenuptial
agreement... if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to
Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Bentley or Lexus in the garage, and
no more Country Club. But the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a
gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Ours is prettier," says the wife.

***

Two cannibals, a father & son are walking through the jungle when they come across
a beautiful young girl lying asleep on the ground, "let's take her home and eat her"
the son says to his father, "I've a better idea" the father replies, "let's take her
home and eat your mother!!".

A family was having some people to dinner.

At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said.

Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "That`s the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn't say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!"

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?"

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, 20?"

"No, not worth it!"

"How about 10?"

"No, not worth it!"

"Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?"

"Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it."

----------------------------------------------------------------------
One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard's idiot brother Bill arrived to watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing above him.

"Mr. Phillard," the doctor said, "you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious and your wife was still under anaesthesia, she requested that your brother Bill name the kids."

"What! My brother, the idiot! I can't believe you let him! What did he name them?"

"He named your daughter Denise."

"Hey, not bad! I underestimated my brother. What did he name my son?"

"He named your son Denephew."

Dua orang hantu bertemu dan bercerita bagaimana mereka mati:

Hantu 1 : "Bagaimana kau boleh mati?"

Hantu 2 : "Aku mati akibat kesejukan..."

Hantu 1 : "Macam mana rasanya mati dalam kesejukan itu?"

Hantu 2 : "Sebenarnya aku terkurung di dalam peti es...., mula2 aku
cuma menggigil, lepas tu anggota aku mula membeku, kemudian aku rasa
dunia aku gelap, dan akhirnya.... ... tapi aku rasa bersyukur kerana aku
mati
tanpa banyak kesakitan......."

Hantu 1 : "Ishh... kesiannya kau"

Hantu 2 : "Kau pulak?, Macam mana kau boleh mati...?

Hantu 1 : "Aku kena serangan sakit jantung..."

Hantu 2 : "Ooooo....macam mana kau boleh kena serangan sakit jantung...?"

Hantu 1 : "Sebenarnya aku dapat tahu isteri aku curang. Suatu
hari...., aku balik ke rumah secara mengejut. Aku nampak ada kasut lelaki
dekat depan pintu...., Ku tahu isteri aku sedang bermesra dengan jantan
lain. Aku berlari masuk bilik kamar tidur, cuma ada isteri aku..... aku
tahu mesti jantan tu bersembunyi dekat mana-mana..... aku lari masuk
bilik air, tak de juga, kemudian aku lari ke tingkat bawah, tengok dalam
setor, pun tak ade, kemudian aku berlari naik ke tingkat atas semula, tengok

dalam almari... sebab terlalu penat aku berlari lalu aku kena sakit
jantung.... memang sakit dan akhirnya ....AKU.... MATIIII...."

Hantu 2 : "Alamak..... kau tak tengok dalam peti es.... kalau tak....,kita
berdua masih hidup lagi sekarang ni...."

What a man wants in a woman:

Traci Lords in the bedroom,
Julia Child in the kitchen,
Hazel around the house,
Lesley Visser during a game,
Mary Poppins for the children,
Cha Cha Muldowney in traffic,
Dr. Quinn, Medicine Chick when we're sick,
Mary Richards at work,
Mother Theresa when we come home with leprosy,
Gertrude Stein in conversation,
the body of Sophia Loren in 'Boy on a Dolphin' combined with the voice of Sade,
and to top it all off, the IQ of Anna Nicole Smith, because of course we don't want to feel too threatened.

=Dennis Miller=

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

What happens when you:
1) have nothing to do
2) own a sharp knife
3) have a large lime
4) own a patient cat
5) drink too much tequila
6) and it's football season?

http://www.olympictrans.ru/fun/img/uglyZoo/uZoo12.jpg

hihihi liat ini inget avatarnya sorcy

Ayo guys buruan subscribe

gak tau dah pada baca apa belom... kalo yg dah baca, lewatin aja yaa.. yg belom baca selamat baca.....

Di sebuah rumah sakit jiwa terdapat 2 orang gila namanya Beji dan Bejo. Si Beji orangnya agak waras dikit sedangkan Bejo memang gila dan nggak akan waras.

Pada suatu hari si Bejo kecebur kolam deket rumah sakit trus si Beji nyelamatin dong, si Bejo berterima kasih sama Beji. Sebulan kemudian gantian si Beji yang kecebur kolam lalu Bejo nyelamatin. Beberapa hari kemudian dokter sedang memanggil Beji untuk dites apakah di masih gila apa nggak.

Dokter: "Suster apakah kamu lihat Beji?"
Suster: "Tidak, dok"
Dokter: "Bejo, apakah kamu lihat Beji?"
Bejo: "Liat, dok orangnya ada di kamar saya"
Di kamar Bejo dokter melihat bahwa Beji sudah meninggal, trus si dokter nanya sama Bejo.
Dokter: "Bejo, kenapa Beji?"
Bejo: "Oh, begini dokter kan si Beji kecebur kolam trus saya nyelametin, lalu saya gantung di kamar saya dok kan biar kering"
Dokter: "#$%^!!!!&^%$#@"
####################################
Ada 26 orang gila, mereka mau di uji kesehatan mentalnya di Amerika. Mereka diangkut pake pesawat Hercules yang besar! Saat di udara, orang2 gila itu berisik karena bermain bola di dalam pesawat.
Sang kapten marah dan menyuruh co-pilot untuk menenangkan mereka.
"Hoi! Berisik banget sih! Jangan maen bola di dalem
pesawat dong!!!", bentak co-pilot kepada orang2 gila.
Akhirnya situasi menjadi tenang. Tapi lama2, si kapten curiga karena situasinya terlalu tenang. Dia menyuruh lagi co-pilotnya untuk cek ke belakang. Ketika co-pilot datang, dia kaget setengah hidup! (setengah mati juga sama aja kan). Orang gilanya tinggal 4 orang!!!

"Hei, kalian! Koq tinggal ber-4? Yang lain ke mana?"
"Abisnya ga boleh maen bola di dalem kapal sih. Mereka
jadi main bola di luar."
"HAH?! Terus, kalian kenapa bisa ada di dalem?"
"Kan kita pemain cadangan..."
####################################
suatu siang di RSJ terkenal,terjadi percakapan antara dkter dan 2 pasiennya(Alex & Joni).

Dokter: "Alex, kamu harus minum obat supaya cepat sembuh"
Alex : "Nggak mau, saya kan dewa. Saya nggak bisa mati"
Dokter: "Siapa bilang kamu dewa, kamu ngelindur lagi ya"
Alex : "Tuhan sendiri yg bilang pada saya tadi malam"
Joni : "Bohong dok, dia ngimpi. Saya nggak pernah bilang seperti itu ke dia."
Dokter: "@$^&(_%&%#$...."
####################################
Di suatu rumah sakit jiwa terdapat tiga pasien yang ingin di tes kewarasannya oleh sang dokter, maka dipanggillah pasien2 tersebut....

Dokter : "Pasien A, apa namanya ini ..?" (sambil nunjuk hidung)
Pasien A : "telinga dok ...."
Dokter : "ah... ternyata kamu belum waras", sambil memanggil pasien kedua
Dokter : "apa namanya ini ..?" (sambil nunjuk mata)
Pasien B : "mulut dok...."
Dokter : "wah kamu lebih parah", dan si dokter memanggil pasien terakhir....
Dokter : "apa namanya ini ...?" (sambil nunjuk mulut)
Pasien C : "pasti mulut dong ...."
Dokter : "wah kamu udah agak baikan... , tapi sekali lagi yah..."
Dokter : "apa namanya ini ..?" (sambil nunjuk mata)
Pasien C : "wah dokter ini bagaimana sih, itu khan mata dok."
Dokter : "ternyata kamu betul-betul sudah waras....."
Pasien C : "iya dong dok, orang khan mikir pake ini.." (sambil nunjuk jidat)
Dokter : "apa namanya itu ...?"
Pasien C : "pantat.......!!!!!"
Dokter : " !@#$% <mailto:!@#$% .... ?????
####################################
Seorang pasien rumah sakit jiwa menangkap seekor lalat
dan digenggamnya ditangannya kemudian berkata kepada
temannya....
"COBA TEBAK APA YANG ADA DITANGAN SAYA INI...." temannya yang satu menjawab "...PASTI AYAM"
"..SALAH..."
kemudian yang satu lagi menjawab "..KUCING......."
"MASIH SALAH...."
yang lain lagi menjawab ".....KUDA....."
kemudian dijawab ".......KAMU BETUL,TAPI LAIN KALI
JANGAN SUKA NGINTIP YA"
####################################
di RSJ seorang dokter hendak memeriksa tiga orang gila. Tiga orang gila itu sedang duduk menunggu si dokter. tiba-tiba pintu terbuka, dokter masuk, dilihatnya orang gila satu sedang duduk sambil tersenyum, orang gila dua sedang jongkok menghadap
dinding, dokterpun mencari-cari orang gila ke tiga.
trus si dokter bertanya pada suster "sus, mana orang
gila yang ketiga"
kata suster " itu loh dok yang lagi baca email ini"

The BARBER

There is this good old barber in some city in the US.
One day a florist goes to him for a haircut.
After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies:
"I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."
The Florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop,
there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A policeman goes for a haircut
and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut.
But the barber replies:
"I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."
The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning the barber goes to open his shop,
there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.

An Indonesian software engineer goes for a haircut
and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut.
But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you.
I am doing community service."
The Indonesian software engineer is happy and leaves.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop,
guess what he finds there...
Can you guess?
Do you know the answer yet?

Come on, think like an Indonesian...

...........A DOZEN INDONESIAN WAITING FOR FREE HAIRCUT !!!

Gak mau rugi ya.....

So cute

Seorang yang sedang menjelajah di pedalaman Amazon tiba? saja sudah dikepung sekelompok primitif yang haus darah. "Oo... Tuhan matilah aku...", gumamnya.
Tiba dari langit diatasnya ada kilatan cahaya, dan terdengar suara menggema
: "Tidak anakku..., ajalmu belum tiba. Ambillah batu di dekat kakimu itu dan pukul kepala pemimpin mereka yang tepat berdiri di depanmu itu".
Si penjelajah itupun mengambil batu dan menyerang pemimpin gerombolan itu, dan memukulkan batu itu ke kepala si pemimpin sekuat tenaga...
Dan si pemimpin itu mati seketika. Dia berdiri diatas mayat si pemimpin.
Seketika 100 orang primitif itu mengepungnya dengan muka sangat marah karena melihat pemimpinnya terbunuh. Kilatan dari langit itu muncul lagi dengan suara menggema :
"Nah... sekarang... baru ajalmu tiba anakku..."

Smary Saklitinov
Seorang guru baru tengah mengabsen murid-muridnya.
Sang guru tertarik dengan sebuah nama, dan dengan penasaran si guru lalu
memanggil muridnya.
Guru: "Smary Saklitinov, coba kemari!"
Murid: "Ya bu, saya."
Guru: "Sini kamu nak, kamu keturunan Yugoslavia yach?"
Murid: "Nggak bu!"
Guru: "Lalu kenapa nama kamu Smary Saklitinov?"
Murid: "Oo...itu, Smary itu singkatan dari nama bapak saya (S)urtono dan
ibu saya (Mary)anti.
Guru: "Mmmm...lalu Saklitinov?"
Murid: "Sabtu Kliwon Tiga November."

225 M
Dua orang murid sedang berjalan-jalan di sebuah museum. Lalu mereka
melihat sebuah mumi. Dibawahnya bertuliskan 225 M.
Murid 1 : "225 M itu maksudnya apa ya?
Murid 2 : "Mungkin itu nomor mobil yang menabraknya dulu."

Makanan Paling Haram
Ali: "Makanan apa yang haram?"
Budi: "Babi!"
Ali: "Yang lebih haram lagi?"
Budi: "Mmmm...babi mengandung babi!"
Ali: "Yang paling haram?"
Budi: "Mmmm...nggg...babi mengandung babi tanpa bapak!"
Bunuh Diri dengan Sehat
Seorang nenek terlihat mau bunuh diri di atas jembatan sambil membawa
sabun Lifebuoy.
Polisi: "Nenek mau bunuh diri ya?"
Nenek: "Memang nggak bisa liat apa?"
polisi: "Tapi kok bawa sabun segala, Nek?"
Nenek: "Cara sehat untuk mati!"
Polisi: ???????

Absen Kelas
Di kelas 1 sebuah Sekolah Dasar sedang ada absen kelas...
Guru: "Nana Yuliani!"
Nana: "Saya, Bu!"
Guru: "David Hutagalung!"
David: "Saya, Bu!"
Guru: "Ujo Sartujo M!"
Ujo: "Saya, Bu!"
Guru: "Ujo, tolong sini sebentar..."
Ujo: "Kenapa, Bu Guru?"
Guru: "Ibu agak nggak suka sama nama kamu. Kalo udah Ujo, jangan pake
Surtujo lagi. Jadinya aneh. Bilangin itu ke bapak kamu, ya!?"
Ujo: "Iya, Bu!"
Guru: "Ngomong-ngomong, M-nya itu singkatan dari apa?"
Ujo: "Martujo, Bu!"
Tukang Daging dan Ibu-ibu Sakit Gigi
Suatu pagi lewatlah seorang penjual daging.
"Dageeeng! Dageeeeennngg!!!" teriaknya.
Seorang ibu rumah tangga yang sedang sakit gigi sewot banget mendengar
teriakan si tukang daging.
Ibu: "Hei tukang daging! Lu kagak punya otak ya....!!!???"
Tukang daging : "Wah kebetulan gak punya, Bu. Hari ini daging semua..."

BERNYANYI
Seorang dokter kaget ketika masuk halaman belakang sebuah rumah sakit jiwa,
karena dia mendengar ada orang bernyanyi. Setelah dia cari ternyata suara seorang pasien rumah sakit jiwa tersebut. Cuma anehnya, si pasien menyanyikannya dengan tidur telentang.
Dengan heran sang dokter terus mengamati pasien tersebut. Dia berpikir, sepertinya si pasien sudah sembuh. Lebih kaget lagi, kemudian pasien tersebut tengkurap dan menyanyikan lagu
yang lain. Karena penasaran, dokter menghampiri sang pasien dan bertanya, "Hai, mengapa
kamu tadi menyanyi dengan tidur telentang dan sekarang tengkurap?"
Dengan kalem si pasien menjawab, "Ya Dok, karena tadi side A, sekarang side B."

AJARAN 3B
Seorang pemuda datang berkonsultasi kepada pendeta.
Pemuda : "Pendeta, mengapa saya tidak pernah menemukan jodoh saya? Mengapa
saya belum pernah berhasil mendapatkan seorang pacar sekali pun?"
Pendeta: "Gadis seperti apa yang kau inginkan?"
Pemuda : "Saya menginginkan gadis yang putih, cantik, tinggi, pintar,
perhatian dan mencintai saya."
Pendeta: "Ohhh ... kalau begitu kamu harus melaksanakan ajaran "3B". 'B'
yang pertama adalah 'BERUSAHA', apakah kamu sudah cukup berusaha?"
Pemuda : "Wah ... yang namanya usaha tuh sudah saya lakukan dengan maksimal.
Sudah sangat banyak tempat yang saya lalui demi mendapatkan gadis impian saya itu."
Pendeta: "Kalau begitu kamu harus melaksanakan 'B' yang kedua, yaitu
'BERDOA' bila perlu berdoa dan berpuasa."
Pemuda : "Pak Pendeta, setiap hari saya berdoa untuk hal ini, bahkan
berpuasa Senin Kamis ...."
Pendeta: "Wah ... mungkin kamu harus melaksanakan ajaran 'B' yang ketiga."
Pemuda : "Apa itu, Pak?"
Pendeta: "BERCERMIN!"

ANJING PINTAR
Dua orang perempuan sedang meributkan anjing-anjing mereka. Keduanya
saling menyombongkan kepintaran piaraan mereka itu.
Perempuan 1: "Anjing gua hebat banget, deh. Tiap pagi ia nungguin tukang
koran, dan begitu loper itu datang, anjing gua langsung ngambil korannya dan
membawanya ke tempat gua sarapan."
Perempuan 2: "Ya, gua tahu itu."
Perempuan 1: (kaget) "Darimana lu tahu?"
Perempuan 2: "Anjing gua yang cerita."
DEMAM BOLA
Ada 26 orang gila, mereka mau di uji kesehatan mentalnya di Amerika. Mereka diangkut pake pesawat Hercules yang besar! Saat di udara, orang gila itu berisik karena bermain bola di dalam pesawat. Sang kapten marah dan menyuruh co-pilot untuk menenangkan mereka.
"Hoi! Berisik banget sih! Jangan maen bola di dalem pesawat dong!!!", bentak co-pilot kepada orangc÷ gila. Akhirnya situasi menjadi tenang. Tapi lama2, si kapten curiga karena situasinya terlalu tenang. Dia menyuruh lagi co-pilotnya untuk cek ke belakang. Ketika co-pilot datang, dia kaget setengah hidup! (setengah mati juga sama aja kan ). Orang gilanya tinggal 4 orang !!!
"Hei, kalian! Koq tinggal ber-4? Yang lain ke mana?" "Abisnya ga' boleh maen bola di dalem kapal sih. Mereka jadi main bola di luar."
"HAH?! Terus, kalian kenapa bisa ada di dalem?"
"Kan kita pemain cadangan..."<?xml:namespace prefix = o />

DEWA TIDAK BISA SAKIT

Suatu siang di RSJ terkenal,terjadi percakapan antara dokter dan 2 pasiennya (Alex & Joni).

Dokter: "Alex,kamu harus minum obat kamu supaya cepat sembuh"

Alex : "Nggak mau, saya kan dewa. Saya nggak bisa mati"

Dokter: "Siapa bilang kamu dewa, kamu ngelindur lagi ya"

Alex : "Tuhan sendiri yg bilang pada saya tadi malam"

Joni : "Bohong dok, dia ngimpi. Saya nggak pernah bilang seperti itu ke dia."

Dokter: "@$^&(_%&%#$...."

CURANG !!!

Seorang pasien rumah sakit jiwa menangkap seekor lalat dan digenggamnya ditangannya kemudian berkata kepada temannya....

"COBA TEBAK APA YANG ADA DITANGAN SAYA INI...." temannya yang satu menjawab "...PASTI AYAM"

"..SALAH..." kemudian yang satu lagi menjawab

"..KUCING......."

"MASIH SALAH...." yang lain lagi menjawab ".....KUDA....." kemudian dijawab ".......KAMU BETUL,TAPI LAIN KALI JANGAN SUKA NGINTIP YA"

Ada tiga buah nasehat dari kakek kepada saya mengenai cara memilih calon istri:

1.Jangan mencari istri seorang pedagang, karena dikhawatirkan kebiasaan dagangnya akan kebawa-bawa sampai malam pengantin, nanti dia akan selalu bilang "Mau segini, nggak mau ya segini !"

2. Jangan mencari istri seorang perawat, karena dikhawatirkan kebiasaan di rumah sakit akan kebawa-bawa sampai malam pengantin, nanti dia akan banyak mengatur dan selalu bilang "Awas jangan banyak gerak, jangan turun dulu !"

3. Tapi carilah istri seorang guru TK, jika kebiasaan di sekolahnya kebawa-bawa sampai malam pengantin, paling tidak dia akan bilang "Awas hati-hati, yg depan luruskan, baguus, ayo ulangi lagi, pinteeeerrrr....!"

Sumpah Dokter
Saya berjanji tidak akan tertawa

Nugroho menemui dokter spesialis kelamin. Katanya, "Dok, saya punya masalah, tapi Dokter harus janji dulu untuk tidak tertawa nanti yah?"

"Tenang. Saya janji tidak akan tertawa. Itu melanggar sumpah kedokteranku," jawab dokter bersahaja.

Nugroho langsung menurunkan celananya, burungnya ternyata kecil sekali, mungkin diameternya hanya sebesar pensil steadler 2B. Melihat barang yang hanya seadanya, dokter tak kuat menahan tawanya .dia tertawa terpingkal-pingkal, sampai berguling-guling dilantai.

Kira-kira lima menit, baru dia dapat mengendalikan emosinya. "Maaf Mas,... Hhh.. hh.. , saya kelepasan. Saya janji tidak akan tertawa lagi.

Nah, sekarang masalah Saudara apa?" kata dokter, berjuang keras menyembunyikan sisa tawanya.

Nugroho ngomong dengan nada sedih : "Burung saya sudah tiga hari bengkak begini.... "

Dokter pingsan karena sudah tidak kuat menahan untuk tidak melanggar sumpah dokternya..